double trouble

dynamic duo

wonder twins

monkey see, monkey do

next level every time

les jumeaux infernos

after all the sh** i've been thru, i will not be brought down by a couple of 5 year olds.  pretty close today but MUST not let it get to me.

they are so wonderfully connected, it's a privilege for me to even be a part of, to witness these identical twin boys.  but why must they derive such pleasure in behaving badly.  some days.  i see their little mischievous faces delight in mamma's frustration and they look at each other and silently agree without speaking that this is fun and lets see if we can take it further. and they do. and then again.  it's a downward spiral into trouble and they revel in it, laugh, buoyed by each others bravado to dig even deeper.  how far can we take this?  there i am feeding it.  they've got me, i'm turning a different shade, lecturing with words like respect, consideration and all they hear is blah, blah, blah and suddenly i've turned into a very funny cartoon character that is about to blow.  how much patience can a person have?

when i was a kid my mom had a wicked temper.  i swear i saw smoke coming from her ears.  she was holding a broom, in the kitchen and swiping at anyone who came close.  she was yelling, with such force that i looked at her and saw the smoke coming out her ears and her eyes blazed red.  if there was a devil, that's what he looked like.  i ran.  i hid in the downstairs closet, in the very very back, for what seemed like ages not daring to make a sound.  such duality in her.  and this i remember probably more than all the hugs, the kisses.

i don't want this for my kids.  not the fear.  not the yelling or hitting, not any of it.  the 'because i said so'.  the finality of the authority, this was what i knew and feared.   i tread carefully.  my kids need to know what emotion is and when i'm upset and what it looks like as this is authentic.  but i can't lose it, they don't need that, i don't need that.  so when they are fast asleep i'll quietly go into their room and make my promises to their sweet sleeping heads and kiss those faces that have taught me what fierce love really is.  this will make me stronger. (repeat. will make me stronger...)